My Journal and Diary
2006
May
Sunday, May 14th, 2006
Never Anonymous - a Copy From an Old Anonymous Blog
Here I am. Not the first time I've blogged-- I've been doing this for years now. But this is my attempt to find something similar to anonymity. 'Cause I'm somewhat depressed, and I need to vent.
We have three kids, and I just found out my wife is pregnant again. All because I was too damn lazy or scared or something to go get 'snip-snipped.' Shit. But I actually believe that this kind of thing isn't really too much in our control. God is ultimately behind all life, and for whatever reason he sees fit to give us another baby. OMG. I'm so freakin' freaked. For some reason I'm embarrased too. We've passed the safe '3 kid' mark. We're defintely out on our own now-- hardly anyone has four kids these days.
And I work in a church. And I just went through some kind of evaluation process where peers and 'subordinates' get to say whatever they want about me and I get to take it seriously. Seriously. So stupid. I figure if someone doesn't have the balls to say it to my face, they shouldn't be given the right to say it at all.
It shouldn't be a big deal. If i was a big boy, I'd just smile, take it in stride, just accept the fact that no one is perfect, including me, and we've all got things we can do to grow. Except that some of these reviews are just so stupid. Anyway.
So I'm starting to doubt whether I really want to do this anymore. I've got the senior pastor doubting whether I should be called "pastor." I'm so pissed off about this. I just feel done.
So what now? Well I guess I can try to find a job in the work-force. I could try to just be a real person like everyone. I'm a programmer and web designer, so I could just do that. If I could find a friggin' job. I feel a little bit like I'm losing control here. Again, maybe not a bad thing.
I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired. God, help me, please? Help me find some joy, some hope. Help me to see this the way you see it.
Amen.